This was a question that I was asked while on a mission trip
to Haiti back in September. What a
loaded question!
Our group had been working at the OK Corral and for our
lunch break we sat and ate with the young men who are in the Men’s Discipleship
program with Heartline Ministries. (You
can learn more about this here. http://heartlineministries.org/mens-bakery-discipleship/) The first day, we (the American’s) were
asking the men all sorts of questions, including topics such as, daily routine,
how they heard about Heartline, hobbies, family/work life, etc. The next day, the Haitian men started asking
us the questions. As they were asking us
pretty basic “getting to know you” questions, they discovered that 3 of us
ladies are single and in our upper 20s and myself enjoying my 30s. It is a huge cultural difference for them and they
were intrigued. In Haiti, as well as many
other less developed countries, women do not work or hold value outside of the
home. They marry, run the household, and
rear the children. So to see (older)
women, who hold careers, are not married, and do not have children is totally
new to them. They then asked us if we
felt as if God has forgotten about us since we are unmarried and childless.
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| The single ladies and the Heartline Men's Discipleship |
This was a very difficult question for me to answer as it is
something that I have been struggling with for some time and is very personal
to me. It isn’t something that I have
chosen to share (until now) and I didn’t really know the audience well enough
to share such a sensitive matter. I was
trying to figure out a way to politely excuse myself to avoid answering the question. I couldn’t figure out an escape route, so I
begrudgingly answered their question.
At times, I have felt that God has forgotten about me. However, my prayers have been plentiful on
this subject so I just figured God was ignoring me! They say that God is in the “wait” and that
he answers EVERY prayer. His answers are
“Yes”, “No”, and “Not yet”. I have been
in the “wait” for over a decade, praying earnestly. I kept telling myself that I am in the “wait”
and I just need to be patient and not rush things because God has the perfect
husband for me out there…somewhere. He
just isn’t ready to meet me yet! Don’t
get me wrong…I didn't stay hidden in my apartment with my nose in my Bible
anticipating my future husband to come knocking on my door!
I was very active.
Not actively seeking a husband, but placing myself in social settings
where one could possibly meet a spouse.
Apparently, I just look for love in all the wrong places! In the past decade, I have discovered MANY
places my future husband is NOT! He is
not in the grocery store, gym, volleyball club, bars (highly do NOT recommend
this and I did not actively search here.), church, foreign countries, or social
networking sites. He wasn’t at WAKA
kickball, or co-ed softball either. I
have a hard and fast rule to not get involved with co-workers, so that was
never an option.
Last fall, I read a book by Judah Smith titled “Jesus is ______.” I heard Judah speak at the Women of Faith
Conference in Washington, D.C. in August 2013.
It was a very easy read and my favorite part of the entire book was
where he wrote about The Death of Lazarus in John 11. Lazarus, Mary, and Martha were very dear
friends of Jesus and he loved them very much.
Judah pointed out that as Christ followers, we are loved just as much as
they were. My prayers changed slightly
to: “Jesus, this is Jen, the one YOU love!”
I still did not feel as though God had forgotten about me.
I’m not going to lie, it is very frustrating (and hurts my soul) to constantly be asked why I’m not married, don’t have children, etc. The questions often come across as if I have no real value on this earth since I do not have a husband or children. And I guess in some of their minds, I must have all the free time in the world. Yes, some men and women choose to be single and childless, but there are also others out there who long for it greatly. Be sensitive, please.
My women’s
small group just completed Breaking Free
by Beth Moore. I discovered that my 2
largest areas of bondage are my singleness/childlessness and captivity of
activity. On week 6 of the 10 week
study, we read out of the book Song of Songs.
What a beautiful love story between us and God. I highly recommend reading this and falling more
in love with God. It is amazing to see
how he views us as his Bride. Another
passage in this book that resonated with me is from the third chapter, verses
1-4. “While in bed at
night, I reached for the one I love with heart and soul. I looked for him, but he wasn’t there. So I searched through the
town for the one I love. I looked on
every street, but he wasn’t there. I
even asked the guards patrolling the town, ‘Have you seen the one I love so
much?’ Right after
that, I found him. I held him and would
not let go until I had taken him to the home of my mother.” This is not about searching for a man here on
earth, but seeking God and allowing him to meet our every need.
Please do
not take this post as if I am complaining or feel as though I am looking for
attention and for people to feel sorry for me.
This is just me expressing my thoughts on my specific singleness. I do feel as though I have many positive
qualities to be a bride/mother, but I am first called to follow Christ…wherever
that may lead! While I was living in
Richmond, I wrote down a list of qualities/characteristics I am looking for in
a husband. I thought I found that man a
couple years ago, but I was incorrect. I
haven’t seen any evidence supporting a change in my list since I first wrote it
back in 2010. I am not being “picky” and
I will not settle just so I can be married and have a family. I would much rather be single and happy than
married and miserable.
I do have my fears (disadvantages) of being
single…FOREVER. Some of them include
being alone (it’s a good thing I am great company and a superb entertainer!),
not having anyone to care for me in times of old age, hurt and/or
sickness. The inability to share my life
with a husband and children. There is
also the lack of physical intimacy.
However, I have also compiled a list of advantages to living a life of
singleness. I will never have to go
through the pains of a divorce, experience the loss of a child, and never have
to worry about relational arguments. It
allows me the freedom to travel and spend my time/money where and how I see
fit. I am also able to spend time
volunteering, leading small groups, and mentoring others. By being single, I have the ability to devote
my time, energy, and resources into God’s will.
In 1 Corinthians 7:8; 34b-35 Paul says, “Here is my
advice for people who have never been married and for widows. You should stay
single, just as I am. Unmarried women
and women who have never been married worry only about pleasing the
Lord, and they keep their bodies and minds pure. But a married woman worries
about the things of this world, because she wants to please her husband. What
I am saying is for your own good—it isn’t to limit your freedom. I want to help
you to live right and to love the Lord above all else.”
As you can see from a list I quickly
compiled, the benefits of living in singleness far outweigh the fears and
disadvantages.
I guess, what I have really come to realize
is that God has answered my prayer. I
thought his answer was “Not yet” and I was anxiously awaiting when it would be
my time. This morning as I was in the
shower, I realized that God has answered my prayer about having a spouse. He has told me “No”. I will honestly say that it is not the answer
that I wanted, and probably why I have held on to my prayer for 10 years! I also had the voice from a former relationship telling me "No one will want you. You are damaged goods!" in the back of my head and I really didn't want to believe him. I will remain faithful to Him and follow Him
wherever he leads me. He must have an
amazing legacy that I am supposed to leave…or he would not have called me to
the places I have gone and experienced the seasons that I have in my life to
this point. It is
not the current desire of my heart, but I greatly desire to know God. The more I intimately know Him, my desires
will ultimately become His.
I will leave you with a couple pictures. The first one is me in my "Never gonna happen" dress, and the others are my "Never gonna wear it" diamond ring.
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| "Never gonna happen" dress. |
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| "Never gonna wear it" ring |
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| This is the bridal set I had picked out from a former engagement. |
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